I decided that of all the words that someone can use to describe a divorce, my favorite as of late is EXHAUSTION.
There is nothing that isn’t exhausting.
Well, maybe somewhere there is something liberating and new down the line. For now. All I want to do is curl into bed with a good book and a bottle of water and rest.
I am so tired of dealing with the details of divorce.
The paperwork and the emails, phone calls and bill pay.
I am utterly overwhelmed with the chaos of raising three kids who just don’t understand why their daddy lives with another lady in another house and doesn’t want to live with them anymore.
I am tired of the fighting.
I am tired of the unknown.
I am tired of the responsibility.
I am tired of how strong I have to be all the time.
Divorce is hard.
A friend told me the other day, “You don’t know how strong you are until all you have left is your strength”
On the days I wake up in the morning, even more achy and sleepy than when I fell asleep the night before, I find myself asking if I have anything left.
And I do.
I have family. I have friends. I have my little chickens.
I have people I can cry with. I have people I get to be angry with. I have people who make me laugh. I have people who will listen. I have advice-givers and commiseraters (is that even a word?! It should be!) and then I have my kids.
They remind me to be present.
They remind me to giggle at the silly stuff and get angry at the injustices (you know, like when someone takes my Barbie) and roll around on the floor and act like a dinosaur (umm, don’t judge…you should try it).
I can definitely say I am getting tired.
I will even admit to being exhausted and fantasize about 12 hours of sleep and days at the spa…and chocolate…yes…LOTS OF CHOCOLATE…at the spa while I’m sleeping….
But, I am strong.
And I get that I have a lot more than strength left.
I have people to remind me of my stregth.
And I have kids that remind me to be strong.
Divorce is hard.
It is exhausting.
But, perhaps the liberation that comes with it will be the strength I find to get through it.
Definitely something to work towards.